The Words She Couldn't Say
by Dani Pink Cloud
Summary: A Valentine's Day fic inspired by the song "Words I Couldn't Say" by Leighton Meester.  I don't claim credit for the title of this fanfic.  Beckett has a sucky V'Day, but in the end it's all okay. :


**Disclaimer: I don't own Castle.**

**A/N: I wrote this today, Valentine's Day, before the episode. Don't worry about when it happens time-wise because it doesn't really matter. I just want it to be something cute and fluffy and lovey-dovey and Caskett-y. :) Happy Valentine's Day!**

Silent tears streamed down her face as Kate Beckett drove home, her vision blurred by the rain splattering her windshield and the salty tears stinging her eyes, her make up smearing when she tried to swipe away the incriminating droplets. She was left in total silence, with no radio, no phone, and no talking, but for her own sniffling and the gentle pitter-patter of the rain.

It was embarrassing, really, how hung up she was on this. She sniffed again and wiped the tears away firmly, blinking to stop the ever-flowing waterworks. When she parked her car, she sat there for a minute or two, trying to pull herself together.

It didn't work, not very well. But she needed to get to her apartment, so she just ducked her head as she made her way up, and once she had arrived, she locked her door behind her. Her belt and jacket were hung up, her bag and badge were set down, and her own body collapsed into her favorite sofa.

This Valentine's Day, she needed romance. But now she was resigned to a date with herself, and the closest she was going to get to the man she loved was through his books.

And it was her fault. She was left alone on the most romantic day of the year in the silent black hole of loneliness, all because of the words she couldn't say.

As she made her way back to her bathroom, where she ran a bath and lit some candles, she thought about the day. It had started out ordinary. She had completely forgotten that today was Valentine's Day, until she had gotten to the station.

She remembered clearly greeting Ryan and Esposito, "Hey, guys."

They had smiled and winked at her suggestively, glancing over toward her desk. "Hi, Beckett," Ryan had said, his voice innocent enough but his eyes teasing. She remembered being confused and following the boys' gazes.

Castle had beaten her there. A coffee mug, still steaming, sat on her desk as per usual, but beside it rested a single red rose, and tied to the arm of her chair was a huge, heart-shaped balloon. Castle reclined in her chair, smiling sincerely, not sarcastically like normal. He scrambled into his own chair instantly at a glare from her.

When she had sat down, Castle had said simply, "Happy Valentine's Day, Beckett."

She had glanced around again at everyone in the station. They were all staring at her, but her death glare sent them all back to work instantaneously.

"Castle," she had hissed. "We need to talk."

Castle made a face and got up right away. "I know that phrase. When women say that –"

"Come on."

"Sorry. Irrelevant. Just saying that I didn't wake up this morning prepared for a verbal beating. Okay, coming." Castle held up his hands and followed her into a side office, where she kicked out the lower-ranked guy working there and shut the door.

"What are you doing?" she demanded. "We're not together, and we're not in elementary school. What are you doing?" she repeated angrily. But she knew it was all a façade. Her face might have registered shock and annoyance when she'd seen the rose and balloon, but her mind had been excited, her heart had raced, because no one had done something like that for her in . . . a long time. And she loved it, even if she wouldn't admit it.

"I was trying to be nice," Castle muttered. "Ever heard of that?"

She had stepped back. "Castle, if you're trying to . . ."

"To what? Make you fall hopelessly in love with me? Too late, I already have," the cocky man had smirked.

Out of the corner of her eye, she had caught Esposito and Ryan watching, amused. She shot them the bird behind her back, and they snickered but turned away. "Shut up, Castle," she had said, hoping the burning feeling in her cheeks wasn't visible. Because Castle's joke had hit the nail on the head, but she couldn't let him know that. "Now. I have work to do, and don't you have a novel to be writing?"

Castle grimaced. "You're as bad as my mother and Alexis."

She remembered something else. "And no more sex scenes."

Castle had smiled, an evil grin spreading across his face slowly. "No guarantees."

She had rolled her eyes and sighed, knowing there was no hope for him. "At least don't . . . Never mind." What she was going to say was way too awkward to say out loud. "Anyway, just don't bug me or stare at me creepily. Yes, you so do that, don't try to deny it," she added when he tried to object. "And the balloons need to go. You've already publicly humiliated me; you can put an end to that now." And she had stalked away without giving him time to make one of his (_totally not adorable_) witty comments.

Now, back home, she shook her head, now not mad at Castle but at herself. Candles were lit, a glass of red wine was poured, the bath water was hot, and she had _Heat Wave _in hand, ready to be reread again. Perfect. She sank into the warm water with a contented sigh, and suddenly her mind flashed back again to the end of the day.

She had not received a call all day. Apparently all the psychopaths and murderers out there were busy celebrating Valentine's Day – or, in her case, Single Awareness Day. So her day had been reserved for paperwork.

Humming a song she'd heard that day while blasting her radio to drown out the sound of Castle's random mutterings to himself as he wrote, she had left the station and was about to climb into her car when she heard her name being called.

"Beckett! _Beckett!"_

"What, Castle?" she had sighed, turning to face him and cocking her head to the side.

"You forgot these," Castle had answered sheepishly. He handed her the rose and balloon, and she took them wordlessly. She could pretend all she wanted, but she was not the "ice bitch" someone had once called her; she wouldn't be rude to her shadow.

"Oh, and –" Castle added, reaching into his bag, " – I brought you these, too. I figured it wasn't the best time this morning."

"Thanks, Castle," she had said, trying to be nice to him without apologizing. Kate Beckett did not apologize, and she never admitted she was wrong.

Not out loud, anyway.

"You know, I really was just trying to be nice. I know Josh is gone and everything, so . . ." Castle trailed off with a shrug of his shoulders. "Just trying to make your day a little better."

She was a sap, and she knew it then as her heart warmed and her annoyance with Castle suddenly faded away, because it had all been for a good reason. He wasn't trying to suck up to her or to publicly humiliate her; he was trying to make her life better.

Too bad she couldn't have noticed that at the moment. "Thanks," she'd said simply.

Castle nodded. "Any time. And . . . I have some news."

"Yeah?"

"They cancelled the deal for the next three Nikki Heat books," Castle blurted out.

_WHAT BUT THAT MEANS YOU WON'T BE COMING HERE ANYMORE I WON'T SEE YOU WHAT AM I GOING TO DO_

But she just asked blankly, "What?"

"Yeah, I know. It really sucks. The good thing is, I actually do get to write about a certain British spy, but . . . I guess I won't be shadowing you anymore." He snorted. "Aren't you relieved?"

"Relieved? Oh. Yeah, of course," she had stammered. "So will you be here tomorrow?"

"No. I should have told you earlier, but . . . yeah. I just didn't. I'm not shadowing you at all anymore, Beckett. The worst part is now I can't write Nikki Heat anymore . . . I had kind of fallen in love with her."

She shot Castle a look. What was that supposed to mean? But his face was unyielding. "So I won't be seeing you around anymore." It was a statement, not a question; she tried to hide her emotions behind the words.

"Well . . . yeah."

And even though other thoughts had been rushing through her mind –

_I LOVE YOU RICK HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY_

She had walked back around to the driver's side of her car and started driving, leaving Castle behind with a lonely, longing look on his face that she couldn't pretend to not notice.

It was only as she had been driving that it had hit her – the rain, and the sudden revelation, like a bucket of cold water dumped on her head, of Castle's real intentions and how they made her feel and how now she regretted not taking the chance to say what she needed to say, and then the tears started.

Now they were back, as she relaxed in her bathtub at home, and a single teardrop dripped onto her copy of _Heat Wave. _What was she supposed to do now that he would be gone? She had an official boyfriend, yes, but . . . she picked up her cell phone and dialed his number with shaking hands, ignoring the fact that the long-distance call would cost them both.

It was going to cost them a lot more than just money, anyway.

"Hello?" the voice on the other line answered.

"Hey, Josh," she said.

"Kate! It's good to hear from you. But, uh, you do realize that it's like four in the morning here, right?" Oops. His voice did sound a little groggy. But this couldn't wait.

"Sorry. I just needed to talk to you. I've been thinking, and . . . God, this is hard . . ."

"Kate . . .?"

"I'm sorry, Josh. We're over. It's better this way, for both of us." She bit her lip. He would be heartbroken, but she knew it was the right thing to do. Their relationship wasn't real, not to her. It would never be as real as her relationship with Castle, even if that particular relationship never went anywhere.

The phone line went dead. Josh hadn't said a thing. Ugh! That was just cruel – now, even though she had been the one to dump him, she would be wondering how he was feeling now, if he was sad, relieved, disappointed – what? But it was over. She didn't need to worry about him anymore. It was as if a heavy weight had been lifted off her shoulders; that clichéd phrase had just made itself manifest in her. She rested her head back on the edge of the bathtub – the same one, she remembered randomly, that had saved her life when her apartment had been blown up, the same one that Castle had come running to find her inside. She shuddered at the memory of the explosion.

Trying to forget everything, she started to read her book again, but this time she couldn't be captivated, not even by the character based on herself. She had something she had to do. So she downed the glass of wine, pulled the plug on the bathtub, blew out the candles, set down the book in its special place on her bookshelf (because everything had its special place), and got dressed as if she were going out.

She was in the hallway, pulling on her coat, when there was a knock on the door. It startled her; she jumped like a complete amateur, but then went to the door to answer it.

A peephole would really be nice, she thought to herself just before opening the door.

"Castle?" she gasped.

"Hey," he said sheepishly.

"What are you doing here?" she asked, as if she hadn't been just about to leave for his place.

She could tell that he knew what she was thinking. He snorted. "Same as what you were going to do in just a few minutes. I know because otherwise you wouldn't be all dressed up like you are. Usually when I surprise you here, you're just in sweats or whatever . . . not that that's a bad thing," he added hurriedly. "Anyway, I just wanted to have a real Valentine's Day. It's awkward when your mother and daughter have dates and you don't," he laughed.

"Come in," she invited him, stepping out of the way so he could get through the door.

"Thanks," Castle said sincerely. "Oh! I brought food." He grinned.

"Chinese?"

"What else?" They both laughed as they sat down, Castle setting the plastic bag of Chinese take-out on her coffee table.

For a few minutes they were silent, eating the not-so-romantic meal. "I broke up with Josh," she suddenly blurted out.

"You did what now?" Castle asked with his mouth full of chow mein.

"I broke up with Josh. I decided that . . . it wasn't going to work," she explained. She didn't mention the reason why it wasn't going to work. Because the main reason was sitting right next to her, so close she might as well be sitting in his lap.

"Oh." They went back to eating. There was nothing else to say after that.

"Can I have a second chance?" she finally asked. It was the closest thing to an apology for her rude behavior earlier Castle was going to get.

Apparently he caught on to what she was talking about. He smiled. "Of course, Kate."

"I wanted to tell you something, but I just . . . couldn't. But now I think I can. Rick . . ."

"I love you," Castle blurted out at the same time as she admitted it. They stared at each other, wide-eyed, for a moment, and then she closed the gap between them and wrapped her arms around him and their lips met and the moment was perfect.

It didn't matter that her Valentine's Day had been one of surprises and break-ups and now suddenly another surprise, because in this moment, the words she hadn't been able to say didn't matter. In this moment, she was perfect, matched with her missing piece – Rick Castle.

**A/N: Could I please be a little more corny? I couldn't resist. ;) Review please!**


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